Nothing To Fix
by sendingseeliescouts
Summary: When your bestfriend you're in love with turns his back on you, there's nothing to fix.


_**Warning:** I know Alec is a gay character. But he is just that, a character. Keep that in mind. Please, also note that english is not my first language. I am sorry if there are any mistakes, please feel free to point them out to me I won't be offended. All credit goes to the creators._

 _ **Links** : You can find me on Tumblr, sendingseeliescouts_

* * *

"Rose, Pandemonium tonight, you coming?" Jace asks, leaning against the wall. "No" I answer, stepping away from him. "Isabelle is sick, Alec and Jace need backup for tonight's mission. You're on it" Maryse orders as I pass by her. "No" I answer, going on my way.

"I wasn't asking!" she shouts, causing people to turn around.

"And I am not going" I shout back.

"If you are not working then you're worthless in here, you might as well leave."

"I was on my way to say goodby to Isabelle, now if you don't mind my plane leaves in two hours and the traffic is quite terrible in New York."

I can feel his eyes on me as I go up the stairs, and I wish he comes after me, grabs my arm and tells me to stay. But he doesn't. "Come in" Isabelle says. "Oh, Rose! I'm so sick, I don't know what that warlock did to me but I'm pretty sure I already lost weight in just a few hours" she complains. I smile, taking her in. "I came to say goodbye, I'm leaving" I speak. Isabelle looks at me, furrows her perfect brows, tilts her head to the side "what do you mean, leaving?" she asks. "London. Preston called the other day, Jessica is leaving for Los Angeles so there's a vacant spot on his team." The brunette gets up from her bed and starts pacing the room, gathering her thoughts. "I have to go, Izzy, I just wanted to say thank you for sticking by my side through everything. You never gave up on me, and it means the world to me. I know I will never have another friend like you, it breaks my heart to leave you behind but I have to go" I say, grabbing her arm. She doesn't say a word. She stares at me, tears in her eyes. She hugs me tight, so tight that I can almost feel my ribs breaking.

* * *

"Don't do this" Jace's voices. "He'll come around, give him some time."

"I gave him a year, Jace. And you and I both know that I would have given up sooner if it was someone else. He had a year, 365 days. And he did nothing. It hurts me more than it hurts him. I'm a mess and he's happy. I don't deserve this."

"No, you don't. But you don't deserve to leave your home because of him. I'm here! Izzy is here! You don't need him!"

"That's what you don't get Jace! I do! I need him! He is my whole life. Was. He was my bestfriend. I already lost a little bit of him when the two of you became parabatai, and know I just-" I stop for a minute, wiping my tears away. "It would be much easier if he was dead. That way I'd know that I can't have him by my side because he is not here. But he is. I run into him every day. I hear his voice, I hear him laugh, I see him smile and I know that the reason why he is not by my side is because he doesn't want to be. Do you have any idea how much it hurts when the person you care about the most shuts you out for someone else. He just erased me from his life. I would have been alright with just a little spot in his heart. With just a smile, a text or a hello from time to time. But he decided that I was not good enough for him anymore. And it hurts so much because I tried so hard to fight for what we had, but I was the only one fighting for it. It's just no fair for me to force him into something he doesn't want. I'm leaving, but you're welcome to visit!" I try to smile through my tears.

"He doesn't deserve you. And I know he knows that."

* * *

"You better be dying, Lightwood. I just fell asleep for the first time in three days" I grumble as I answer Isabelle's call.

"Rose-" her voice is shaky.

"Izzy what is it, is Jace alright?" I panic. _Is Alec alright?_ I think but can't get myself to say it out loud.

"Yes, no. I don't know. Rose, Alec is dying. Everyone says he is dying but he can't die. You need to come, I know you can wake him up. You two have a special bound, you always had. Please, Rose!" she cries over the phone, talking so fast that I can barely keep up.

"Jace and him have a special bound, you and him have a special bound. Alec and I have nothing, I can't help you Isabelle, I'm sorry."

"So you are just going to let him die?" she yells. "You already broke his heart when you left, now you're gonna take his life?"

"I broke his heart?" I yell, taken aback. "Watch your mouth Isabelle, karma is a bitch and it was time for it to bit him in the ass."

"When did you turn into a cold hearted bitch?"

"When your brother ripped my heart out of my chest and stepped on it more than once" I answer, hanging up.

I throw my phone on the bed and start pacing the apartment. _He deserves a little suffering._ I stop dead in my tracks at that thought. When did hurt turn into hate? I take a deep breath, put some clothes on and head for the door. I am not Alexander Lightwood, I don't give up on people.

* * *

"Where is he?" I asks, entering the New York Institute. "Maryse, where is Alexander?"

"In his bedroom. I didn't know you were coming back" she says, clearly surprised.

"I am not, Isabelle called" and with that I turn on my heels, heading to Alec's bedroom.

I push the door open. Jace is sleeping on a armchair that looks really uncomfortable, Isabelle is caressing her brother's hair. I approach her slowly, "Izzy" I whisper. She turns around, a look of disbelief on her face. "You came!" she whispers, louder. "Rose I'm so scared." I hug her tightly before turning my attention to Alexander. He looks terrible but yet so angelic. I take a step forward and stop. I don't know what to do next. Am I allowed to touch him considering the way we parted a few years ago? He'd look so peaceful if it wasn't for the sweat on his face and his whole body shivering.

"Where is she?" I enquire.

"Idris. She said she had important things to attend to."

"What could possibly more important than her dying husband?" I roll my eyes.

"He never loved her. He married her name, her status. That's why she hates you. You're his world."

"Stop fooling yourself, Isabelle. If he loves me half as much as everyone pretends he does, he would have fought for us" I bark. "I told him he'd be miserable if he married her, he knew what he was getting himself into. He deserves to be unhappy within this marriage."

"I get it, it's a mechanism of self-defense" Isabelle states. "We both know you wan't nothing but rainbows and sparkles for him. But if hating him makes it easier for you, alright. I'll play along."

"What are you expecting from me, Izzy? I don't have super powers, the best I can do is shake him hard enough for him to vomit and wakeup while chocking on it" I shrug, taking a sit on the bed.

"I was thinking more… Less brutal. Maybe you could talk to him? He loves you Rose, he just never had the guts to tell you. Or you could kiss him Disney Princess style?" she suggests.

"I am not putting my lips on his. Nope. Not happening."

As I lay eyes on him I can't help but feel pain. Memories of all we lost coming back. From the corner of my eyes I see Isabelle wake Jace up and the both of them quietly leaving the room. "Alright, it's just you and I, I guess" I start. "I don't know what to say, Alexander. I'm just-" I search my words. "Angry. I'm just angry at you, at the world. I don't understand how we ended up like this, how you ended up throwing me away. You pushed me out of your life, and I just can't figure out why. I mean, I suppose _she_ didn't want me around but I thought our friendship was way stronger than an arranged wedding." Tears starts streaming down my cheeks. "I don't understand how you could choose her over us. How you could choose politics over us. I know you are devoted to your family, but still. It's unfair for your parents to expect you to repair the damage they've caused, you have your own life to live, your own mistakes to make" I pause, getting out of the point. "Just wakeup, alright? I'll be gone before you regain full consciousness, I promise. I don't wanna cause you any trouble, I don't even wanna be here but I can't let you die on me. I'm not like that, Alexander. So, please, open you damn eyes and stop sweating like that it's disgusting. And why are you even shivering, it's summer in New York, what happened to those tight black shirt of yours?" I sigh, getting up.

I pace the room, thinking of a way to wake him up without him chocking on his own vomit. Or having a concussion. Or broken bones. Or stabbing him. _He'd heal though_. I notice that the pictures are still the same as before. He still has pictures of me in his bedroom. There's a box with my name on it. As I open it I find all the stuff that I threw away. Pictures, teddy bears, his clothes, gifts he gave me over the years, and the necklace. That fucking necklace he saved money for for weeks when he was seven, he wanted to give me a forever gift. I wore it for years, no matter what. This necklace was my direct link to him. I would grab the little heart shaped diamond whenever I wanted to feel connected to him. And God, I almost had a heart attack that one time I didn't feel it around my neck, only to find out that Alexander had held on to it for me while I was in surgery. Once again, he'd been the one to put it around my neck. When I took it out, a few years ago, it broke my heart. It meant game over, no turning back. The necklace was all I had left of him, taking it off was ripping Alexander from me once and for all. Like a bandaid. I reached for it countless of times over the past few years, only to be reminded that there was no Alec in my life anymore.

I yawn, the time difference hitting me hard. I lay down next to Alexander, one hand over his chest to make sure he's still breathing.

* * *

"Rose, you're crashing me, roll over" I hear a muffled voice. I groan, rolling on my side. I feel myself falling off the bed before strong arms catch me. "Oh my God, are you drunk?" the voice laughs. "I'm sleepy, leave me alone!" I grumble. I drift of to sleep.

* * *

"Looks like the two of you finally made up" Isabelle cheers. I open my eyes, only to see that Alec's arm is thrown over my body, his legs tangled with mine. "Great, you're alive. I need a shower" I say, pushing his body away from mine. I see hurt go through his eyes but decide to not pay attention to it. _He deserves pain._ I think. _Yet, you crossed an ocean to save him_ a little voice in y head adds. I splatter water in my face, attempting to make my head clear.

"Rose, Preston is calling!" Isabelle calls out.

"Preston? Preston the jerk?" Jace asks, surprised.

"Hello? No, I'm heading back today. Book me a flight as soon as possible, I can be at the airport in thirty" I speak into the phone.

"No she can't. You are not leaving, the two of you need to sort things out! This has been going on for three years, enough now!" Isabelle states. "You are not leaving this place before you had _the_ talk."

"Preston, book a flight. I'll call you back" I say before hanging up. "Isabelle, I'm only going to say this once so pay close attention, alright? I don't want to have _the_ talk. I don't even want to be here. The only reason I came is because you called me and made me realize that hurt has turn into hate. I don't hate people, that's just no who I am. So I came, he is alive, now I'm leaving. And next time he is dying, don't call me. Do everything you can to save him, but don't call me. He's already dead to me. End of discussion."

"I'm right here, you can talk to my face. Thank you for being better than me, by the way" Alec voices. "I never meant to hurt you, I just- lost control. I took things too far and I didn't know how to make up for my mistakes so I kind of let it be."

"You kind of let it be? You fucking broke my heart you fucking bastard!" I yell, tears streaming down my face. "You fucking ripped it out of my fucking chest and fucking stepped on it again and again. I stuck around for a whole years. A whole fucking year. You ran into me every fucking day, you never paid attention to me. You never did anything to make things better between us. I hate you Alexander. And I hate that I hate you because you used to be my whole world, I would have done anything for you! But know I feel nothing but hate towards you! And I'm trying so hard to fight it, but I can't. You can't fix what you broke. You broke me and you can't fix me. You destroyed me. I don't trust anyone because of you. I can't because-" I take a breath. "I can't trust anyone because I trusted you with my life and you betrayed me. How am I supposed to give my heart to any other man when the one I loved for years turned his back to me. There is no making things better. You can't."

"Rose, baby please listen to me" Alexander pleads, facing me.

"Don't you dare calling me that. Go to hell Alec!" I shout to his face.

"Rose, please! Don't do that! I'm sorry! Please! I need you!" he says, grabbing my arm as I pass by him.

"Let go of me, Alexander. I swear to God I'll chop your arm off" I warn, serious. "I needed you, you weren't here. You should get a divorce, by the way. Your wife is cheating on you with Preston. I've known for years but decided that you didn't deserve to know. Everyone in Idris knows. Everyone everywhere, actually. So much for a good reputation, cuckold" I spat, storming out of the room.

* * *

The Institute fades out behind me. I feel lighter. In a good way, because I finally expressed my feelings. I a bad way, because I feel like I just left my soul and already broken heart behind. I feel empty. I don't have tears to cry anymore. I feel nothing and it scares me. Love, hurt, hate. What comes next? What do you feel when you have nothing to feel with anymore?


End file.
